I feel guilty for not blogging as much but recently, I realized I need to. There are so many things in my daily life that cause me to react but I can’t keep dumping all my troubles on my friends. Lately, I have been feeling so scared and I do not know why. There are things I almost never think about that have been on my mind and I cannot keep ignoring this fear that seems to grow every day. Everyone around me is getting engaged, married, or finding their soul mate and here I am too busy to make time for even grabbing some lunch with my friends. I am such an ambitious person and I have always admired this about myself but I am so afraid that while chasing my many, many dreams that there will come a day I wake up and realize I am middle aged and still single.
While I do not think being single is such a bad thing and I am all for women empowerment, that does not change the fact that I want a family. And now, there’s people who will argue – you do not need a man to have a family. Yes, you do when you prefer a traditional lifestyle and truly want a husband in the picture. Is it so wrong of me to want to be traditional? I told my friend that I was worried that my career will get in between me having the traditional life I want and she questioned my desire for wanting a husband and my own child, suggesting I could even adopt. Adoption is awesome, y’all. But is it so wrong of me to want to marry someone I love someday, have children, and be the kind of mother who makes paranthas every Sunday morning? Is it so wrong that I want to raise my kids with Islamic values? I don’t think what I want makes me anti-feminist or anti-liberal but there is just something beautiful about staying to your roots and for me, marriage is so beautiful and valuable in my religion that I do not want to miss out on that experience. My only fear is – will I even have the time for it?
You see, while so many of my friends are in relationships, I am constantly stressing over the next strategic move to make to improve my resume and chances of getting into law school. I am worried by the time I get to law school, most of my peers will have met someone and well – I may be too busy to even care for a relationship while I am studying. I already cannot make the time to care! lol.
And my goal is to move up in the legal field. Maybe become a district attorney. Ever notice how such top positions are almost always men – because women often make a sacrifice for family. Well, I do not want to sacrifice my dreams but I also cannot sacrifice family. Why should I have to make the sacrifice – why can’t there be a middle ground? If there is one, I’ll find it for sure!
Anyway, back to my point. I am so ambitious and there are so many things I want to do for myself but it leaves me with no time to consider someone else in the picture. And lately, my fear is that one day when all my plans catch up to me, I will wake up and realize I am all alone in this world. And that is a sad thing to be when you love people, and you do desire to love somebody someday as much as you love yourself. I don’t think my friends understand this problem because for them, they want simple things or they do not want the fast-paced world I want to be a part of. They have found someone and they are just, I don’t know, chillin’ meanwhile for me, I don’t want to chill until I can tell the world I am a judge, or a D.A, or someone worth having a Wikipedia page for. But I want that Wikipedia bio to include after successful lawyer, judge, etc that I am also a loving mother, and dutiful wife. I wish I had more friends who understood where I am coming from on this issue but I guess when you’re Muslim and want a decent person, the pool is so small that the fear of ending up alone, as ambitious and opinionated as I am, is inevitable. And that, for everyone else, is a difficult thing to understand.