In a couple of weeks, I will be beginning my first year of law school at my state’s flagship university. Blessed is an understatement. Alhamdullilah. It seems like I have been working towards this day since I was fifteen and reposting about women’s rights on Tumblr, lol! (I have, though). I am SUPER excited to learn,, network with future employers, and to be the Desi Elle Woods, however, I am also anxious. I feel the imposter syndrome creeping up on me. It is paralyzing at times. Sometimes I wonder if I even look the part as a petite, chubby brown girl at a PWI in a historically elite field. There is definitely room for growth and diversity at my school, although, the rest of the professional schools at the university are relatively more diverse. At my school, I may be one of the handful of South Asians or women of color even. Intimidating.
I am choosing to view this as an opportunity to stand out and offer a perspective that otherwise may never be brought into the classroom in the hopes that my classmates could become more knowledgeable about the communities they could someday serve. That does not mean that being one of a few is easy. No, no. Being that person means pushing against microaggressions, dealing with ignorant (however well-meaning) comments, teaching people about the various identities that I represent, and often being the easiest target in the room should I engage in discourse. While not one of those things is new to me, I have spent the last few years building a community of fierce South Asian and Muslim gals, therefore, I’m not as accustomed to it as I once was. Anywho, you can take the girl out of the small town, you can’t take the small town out of her, amiright?
Aside from that, I have been focused on settling in to my new apartment. I am trying not to spend too much money on furnishing it (it’s so hard!) because… I AM GETTING MARRIED (and consequently moving in together)!
Yes, you heard right! I am saying KABUL HAI!!! three times with enthusiasm y’all! I personally did not think it would happen at this point in my life but when the person is right, all supposed timelines are thrown away. The only timeline that is in effect is the one that God had written. I am so very blessed and looking forward to the life M and I will create together, but I am SO not going to be deeply invested in the planning process. That I will leave up to the parents and M. I’ll just nod my head and look pretty. If you didn’t already know, I don’t like weddings, and I especially don’t like the idea of wasting money on what is, essentially, a party. However, I do like the idea of feeling like a princess so I am willing to compromise with what my parents want to do, which is invite anyone they have ever made eye contact with. Fortunately, both M and I are in agreement about sticking with a budget so we can save more money to go towards our post-wedding vacay + home. First step…set a date!
Sometimes I feel like I am living a fairy tale. This can’t possibly be my life. I am terrified of how things are seamlessly falling into place. I know I should enjoy it while it lasts. In life, peace and happiness are seldom perpetual. It’s the anxiety in me that is telling me to brace for the downfall. I guess that is another reason I am nervous about starting school.
But I will keep counting the blessings, enjoy this exciting time before first day of classes, and remind myself that I have made it this far and so I must have it in me to see it through.
Until next time.